Escape

First of all:

When I'm driving down the road and there are orange cones lined up to barricade something, all I want to do is hit every single one of them. I think it would be the most satisfying thing on earth.

Since that's out of the way, I want to talk to you about my ongoing Zombie escape plan.

A few years ago I started getting pretty severe anxiety attacks. These were bad enough that there were points when I checked myself into the ER because I thought my heart was going to give out. Along with medication, I was introduced to another method of calming myself down using visual imagery. Not "picture yourself on a beach with calming waves" b.s.-something as simple as memorizing a photo and trying to recreate the image in your mind as precisely as possible.

I chose to make a list of what I would need in order to get out for a Zombie attack. When ever I felt the anxiety coming on, I would go through my plan.

It's pretty complex so I'm going to give it to you guys in phases. Today we'll focus on
Phase I: Getting our Shit Together.

I would obviously be better prepared for the undead to rise because I'm always looking for the signs.

First thing I would do is warn my friends. I realize that most people would think of me as crazy, but at least I warned them. So if you ever get an actual email from me predicting pending doom, believe me. I know what I'm talking about.

Now, I'm lucky to have Ted because he's better versed in actual Zombie affairs. So we would sit down and consult. We would have to figure out what kind of out-break it was, and whether or not it was slow moving. Would we have Zombie activity in hours, or days?

First I'd take care of the cats. I would go to Target, get tons of big bags of cat food and dump it out in a big pile in our basement. Enough so the cats could at least get through the year. I would also cut a little escape door in the basement. Only large enough that the cats could get through. I want the cats to have a home base. I wouldn't want to release them into the wild, and in case I could ever come back for them there is a chance they would still be there.

Next, I would talk to my friend Misch and explain the situation. I think Misch is the type of girl who would get it. She'd be along for the ride. I would need her to obtain antibiotics and some basic medical equipment... you know suture kits.. those kind of things. Something compact. I would hope she would come along for the escape, but she might have her own Zombie plan already. Like I said... Misch is that type of lady.

Our land lords have a baby and live upstairs from us. Right away I would tell them to get on a plan to someplace safe. Now at this point you must be thinking "Shannon, why don't you just do that and avoid the whole situation?"

Because I live for adventure.

I would also put my dad on a plane to Alaska. This is of course assuming the outbreak hasn't reached there yet. My friend Caleb is a super outdoorsey type and lives remotely in a cabin he built himself. I think it would be a good place for my dad. I would let Caleb know what was going on so he could start fortifying his land.

Next it would be time for supplies. I'll just max out my credit cards because really, who's gonna need them after the Apocalypse? I'd buy guns and ammo, not so much for the zombies as much as other people who'll I'll have to fend off. Motorcycles because I feel like the easiest escape method would be via cycle. They can get around abandoned cars on the highway. If I had enough time to get out before the attack started I would obtain an armored car and put the bikes in it. When it gets to the point we can't go any further with car, Ted and I would take out the bikes and keep going.

I would also need non-perishable foods. My idea is to go to the Natick Labs where they do food testing for the military. I have a connection there and I think I could convince him to stock us up. This food would only be our reserves. You know, in the most desperate situations. Most likely once the human race is mostly wiped out or Zombified we could break into stores easily and take care of those needs.

I'd also have to get some necessary camping equipment. Canteens, mess kits, good knives you know, the basics. I can't carry too much with me so I would have to keep some Surviorman techniques in mind.

I would also have to change my wardrobe and appearance. I'd need some tight pants, good supportive boots, and a formfitting jacket. I'd probably go for motorcycle boots with a steel toe.

Then I would cut all of my hair off.

When you're on the run, the last thing you want is loose articles of clothing for the Zombies to grab onto.

I'd need to pick out my weapon of choice. I'd always have a pistol on me, but for the Zombies I'd want something blunt and light weight. I'm thinking a few baseball bats strapped to my back ala Ninja style. I have to do more research on this first.

There would be some other things as well... a good bottle of whiskey (I don't even drink it, but I think I would start). Lipstick. Extra contacts. Little things like that. I'd need the lipstick just for my own pleasure. I'd want to have something to remind me of the time before.

Then we would act. Which will be Phase II. Coming soon.