BHP

Hey Friends.

Quick post! A group that I've worked closely with in the past is having a contest and asking people to write some funny essays! Prize? Tickets to see a show!

It's a facebook contest. Just look up Bad Habit Productions and join the group.

It's that easy.
More info on the company at:

badhabitproductions.org

Glutton for punishment.

Why would I stay up this late to watch a Julia Robert's movie?

The cat just puked.

Diesel!

I’m super exhausted as of late, and I blame wine.

If the wine didn’t insist on being consumed in one sitting, then we wouldn’t have a problem. It just seems like a sin to leave liquid in the bottle before bed.

I feel just awful that I failed to acknowledge St. Patrick’s Day here. I mean, my name is Shannon Fitzgerald Connolly. I’m also sad that I not one beer was consumed the whole day because I was bouncing from Insurance to Bartender.

Over the weekend Scott said something along the lines of “Shannon used to throw them back” in college. This is true. I remember the pride I used to take in consuming to Cobra 40’s through a straw in the middle of a dance party in our house. I would buy cases of those things. Even better was when I would arrive in Chicago every year after a 17 hour van ride and Mike Carr would be there with one in hand. How about the hours spent at the Spoke drinking $2.00 Gin and Tonics or (get this) Tequila/Vodka/Redbulls. I called them Diesels.

Don’t even get me started on flip cup.
I realize now how lame this all sounds. First of all, binge drinking is a very serious issue among college kids, and second of all I don’t know if it’s classy to have my glory days defined by 40’s of Cobra. But it’s how I rolled.Now I drink far less than I used to. Mind you, I still go through a couple bottles of wine per week-but it’s nothing like the life I used to lead.

Gone are the days of dance parties until 4am. Waking up wondering why my boots are in the bathtub. Mike coming out into the living room with me passed out on the couch with one boob hanging out. Or the time I was discovered with no pants on, curled up in a little ball on the brown couch. There’s a picture of that. It’s the bum before Diesel. Talk about retro. I no longer wake up and find my phone in the fridge. I don’t cry with my friends locked in my bathroom for hours.

Instead, I class it up. I have wine stained lips and pass out on Ted. Who is always a gentleman about it.

Maybe I haven't earned my Geek title....

In retrospect I should have known the geek thing was just dormant.

In high school I certainly wasn't the coolest chick on the block. I did Drama and the Speech Team (three time State champion in Duo Interp., finalist in Nationals three times thankyouverymuch). I had some cool redeeming qualities: my boyfriend for most of my High School days was a basketball player. I hung out with a bunch of cool kids, they just weren't in my grade (I hung out with all the cool boys in the grade below mine). I didn't dress geeky, but then again I didn't really have any kind of style. I read a lot. I went to local rock shows (but still listened to Phish*).

Despite it all the number one reason I'm a geek today is because in 6th grade the library was right across from my homeroom. Last night on the couch, out of no where, I remembered a series of books that I used to love. I just couldn't remember the name. After an hour of googling (dragon + witch + teenage novels + red hair + strings) and waning patience it just came to me: Dealing with Dragons.

That series right there was the little geek seed planted into the woman I am today.

There is nothing really special I have to tell you about the books. They were like candy. A world in which my little 6th grade imagination could have a boyfriend that's a prince and literally talk to dragons. I was hooked. Next thing I know I'm flying through the entire fantasy section. I'm going on aol chat rooms on the weekend talking about my new found love for lands that don't exist. I have Magic: the Gathering cards. I'm one of them.

Today that is not the case. I actually feel like I'm not geek enough to be cool. I'm constantly trying to fit in with my geek friends. Hell, I'm constantly trying to fit in with my geek boyfriend. I don't have enough time in the day to get through all of the comics (I still haven't finished Sandman... I mean I'm in trouble here). I can barely hold my own with Watchmen discussions cause I've only read it once (a book worth rereading.. I would say a requirement). So here I am in this weird limbo.

Not quite a geek, not quite cool.

So I'm on a mission. To become fully versed over the next few months. On my list of things to do:

• Watch Star Wars (never seen em)


• Get some friends together for a role playing game (I've been wanting to do this for a while.. I bet Bobby would host a game).


• Finish reading: Sandman, Y the Last Man, and Runaways.


• Make a new City of Heroes character


• Attend the Boston Con.

If you have any other ideas for Geeking out... I'm in. Let me know.

* Okay Phish you and I need to talk. You broke up. I saw people's lives get crushed after your last concert. People were literally saying"what do we do now?" because all they did was follow you around. I used to love you, but I was 15 and didn't realize there was life beyond the Jam Band.. or even the fact that there were jam bands out there that could change my life (Hello! Built to Spill!). I've seen you live tons of times. But I hate the following you ended up with because it was weird that people had a dependancy on you. Now that you guys are back I'm scared. That's all. Jerry's dead. Phish broke up. Get a job.

Pussy Willows

I was going to write about how fracking exhausted and miserable I am because I had a poorish performance last night (personal performance that is, I would put it down in the books as being top 10 stupid stage choices of all time) but instead I'm going to tell you something else.

When I was little I stuck a pussy willow up my nose and it got stuck.

What did I learn from it? Just because something looks soft, it doesn't mean you should put it in your nose.

Thanks folks.

Escape

First of all:

When I'm driving down the road and there are orange cones lined up to barricade something, all I want to do is hit every single one of them. I think it would be the most satisfying thing on earth.

Since that's out of the way, I want to talk to you about my ongoing Zombie escape plan.

A few years ago I started getting pretty severe anxiety attacks. These were bad enough that there were points when I checked myself into the ER because I thought my heart was going to give out. Along with medication, I was introduced to another method of calming myself down using visual imagery. Not "picture yourself on a beach with calming waves" b.s.-something as simple as memorizing a photo and trying to recreate the image in your mind as precisely as possible.

I chose to make a list of what I would need in order to get out for a Zombie attack. When ever I felt the anxiety coming on, I would go through my plan.

It's pretty complex so I'm going to give it to you guys in phases. Today we'll focus on
Phase I: Getting our Shit Together.

I would obviously be better prepared for the undead to rise because I'm always looking for the signs.

First thing I would do is warn my friends. I realize that most people would think of me as crazy, but at least I warned them. So if you ever get an actual email from me predicting pending doom, believe me. I know what I'm talking about.

Now, I'm lucky to have Ted because he's better versed in actual Zombie affairs. So we would sit down and consult. We would have to figure out what kind of out-break it was, and whether or not it was slow moving. Would we have Zombie activity in hours, or days?

First I'd take care of the cats. I would go to Target, get tons of big bags of cat food and dump it out in a big pile in our basement. Enough so the cats could at least get through the year. I would also cut a little escape door in the basement. Only large enough that the cats could get through. I want the cats to have a home base. I wouldn't want to release them into the wild, and in case I could ever come back for them there is a chance they would still be there.

Next, I would talk to my friend Misch and explain the situation. I think Misch is the type of girl who would get it. She'd be along for the ride. I would need her to obtain antibiotics and some basic medical equipment... you know suture kits.. those kind of things. Something compact. I would hope she would come along for the escape, but she might have her own Zombie plan already. Like I said... Misch is that type of lady.

Our land lords have a baby and live upstairs from us. Right away I would tell them to get on a plan to someplace safe. Now at this point you must be thinking "Shannon, why don't you just do that and avoid the whole situation?"

Because I live for adventure.

I would also put my dad on a plane to Alaska. This is of course assuming the outbreak hasn't reached there yet. My friend Caleb is a super outdoorsey type and lives remotely in a cabin he built himself. I think it would be a good place for my dad. I would let Caleb know what was going on so he could start fortifying his land.

Next it would be time for supplies. I'll just max out my credit cards because really, who's gonna need them after the Apocalypse? I'd buy guns and ammo, not so much for the zombies as much as other people who'll I'll have to fend off. Motorcycles because I feel like the easiest escape method would be via cycle. They can get around abandoned cars on the highway. If I had enough time to get out before the attack started I would obtain an armored car and put the bikes in it. When it gets to the point we can't go any further with car, Ted and I would take out the bikes and keep going.

I would also need non-perishable foods. My idea is to go to the Natick Labs where they do food testing for the military. I have a connection there and I think I could convince him to stock us up. This food would only be our reserves. You know, in the most desperate situations. Most likely once the human race is mostly wiped out or Zombified we could break into stores easily and take care of those needs.

I'd also have to get some necessary camping equipment. Canteens, mess kits, good knives you know, the basics. I can't carry too much with me so I would have to keep some Surviorman techniques in mind.

I would also have to change my wardrobe and appearance. I'd need some tight pants, good supportive boots, and a formfitting jacket. I'd probably go for motorcycle boots with a steel toe.

Then I would cut all of my hair off.

When you're on the run, the last thing you want is loose articles of clothing for the Zombies to grab onto.

I'd need to pick out my weapon of choice. I'd always have a pistol on me, but for the Zombies I'd want something blunt and light weight. I'm thinking a few baseball bats strapped to my back ala Ninja style. I have to do more research on this first.

There would be some other things as well... a good bottle of whiskey (I don't even drink it, but I think I would start). Lipstick. Extra contacts. Little things like that. I'd need the lipstick just for my own pleasure. I'd want to have something to remind me of the time before.

Then we would act. Which will be Phase II. Coming soon.

Jibbly Bits

Okay, first of all let me get this off my chest:

Watchmen-you were stupid. You were full of bad acting and I don't think you did Alan Moore justice (not that his ego needs to be stroked more). The violence was misunderstood and the sex scene was gratuitous. There were somethings I liked: it was visually excellent and some actors did well with it. Overall it was about 45 minutes too long.

Next!

So, along with my healthy(ish) eating I'm attempting to attend the gym on a semi-regular basis. I go to the Beacon Hill Athletic Club here in snooty Wellesley and I love it. I go on my lunch break and work out for a half hour, as prescribed by my doc.

Going to the gym at 1:00 pm in Wellesley is awesome. There are only 4 other people there, and they are all over 65. Not only does it motivate me when I'm on the elliptical next to a senior citizen, my boobs are wicked perky in comparison when I'm in the locker room.

The only downfall is the occasional Wellesley mom that pops in. You know, in her super cute gym outfit, perfectly applied make up, and way too much jewelry to wear when bouncing along on a treadmill.

When Wellesley mom is running next to me she's at twice the speed as I am and half the perspiration. She is also missing all the jibbly bits that I have. Wellesley mom makes me want to cry. But sometimes I run harder when she's there, especially when I focus on keying her car in my head.

What is wrong with me?


And now for a new segment to the blog:

This Week in Funny

Each Monday I'll let you all know the comedy I'm seeing in the upcoming week in case you want to join!

Tonight I'm heading over to Improv Asylum to see the level 5 grad show. If you want in, it's free and I would love some company.

Wednesday is my Best of Improv Asylum show over in the North End. This month my shows are on Wednesdays, and beginning in April they are Sunday nights!

Thursday I'm going to see the opening night of the new Mainstage show over at Improv Asylum. Would you like to join?

Friday I'm going to see the 8pm show and then MCing Friday Night Face Off.

And Saturday I'm hoping to check out Misch and Steph if they are performing! As always I would love company.

Shoot me a post if you would like to be my date to any of the above!

Geek Out

I feel like I've officially earned my geeky title. First thing I did this morning was email Ted:

"Should we go see Watchmen tonight and miss Battlestar, or wait until Sunday?"

Answer still pending.

Sexy Appendix

I love to look at pictures of babies. I could sit at my computer and hours will pass bye. I don't know whats wrong with me. I hate babies in outfits though. Keep the outfits for your dog.

I love to look at pictures of dogs in outfits.

***

I'm on a diet. It's awful. I want to drink and eat everything I can't. I wish I had a house made of cupcakes where beer ran out of the faucets.

***

I got a tetnus shot last Friday. Now I have a lump on my arm and I think It's cancer. It feels like cancer.

***

I can't motivate myself to write a full on post as of late. It's just quick updates. But if I were to write a post I would tell you about the time I went to the emergency room because I thought my appendix was exploding. They kept me there for 12 hours and took lots of blood from me. I hate having blood drawn to the point where I have to be physically restrained and my heart rate shoots up to terrifying levels. They lost my blood samples that night and had to do it all over again. Then they did a test where they stuck a tube up my butt and told me no matter what I couldn't "unclamp." Then they shot liquid up there through the tube and put some stuff through my IV that made me feel like I was peeing. I was on this table thinking I was peeing and trying so hard not to let the liquid come spilling out. I guess I didn't really think of what would happen next, but they took the tube out and told me if I didn't clench hard it would be messy. I didn't know the liquid wasn't absorbed and would have to come out. They told me to get up and walk across the hall to the bathroom and "just let it go". My johnny was open in the back and everyone could see my Diesel tattoo and I was holding my bum so the stuff wouldn't come out. The doctor was so handsome. He told me I just had a lot of poop and my appendix was fine. If were to post a real update this is the story I would tell.

An update of sorts.

• I bought new tights! I thought they were defective. I was wrong apparently the hole in the crotch was supposed to be there.
• First NXT show went over pretty well. Note to self: Don't be so nervous.
• Lady made eye contact with me in the gym while we were changing. Lot's of eye contact. I think she's someones nana. I don't like her and will not be her friend.
• I got a physical for the first time in years. I told the lady I was afraid of needles, she told me to think of it as a good spanking.
• Ted and I celebrated two years together this past weekend. We went to the 99 because that's where we went on one of our first dates. Ted was so embarassed but it was the only thing open in Beverly. They were right, we always come back for more.
• Three Hole Punch is FOR REALLY going to the CIF.
• We are going to the Mountain Goats at the end of the month. I couldn't be happier.
• I have nothing else to report. Love more.