I can only think of a handful of times in my life that I've been
that girl, and it never took me long to become painfully aware of it.
Like last Memorial day. As in true form we had all gathered up on Mr.
Morrell's roof for a cook out, four square, and more beer than any of us could ever consume.*
I had decided to take it slow that day, I paced myself and was
waaaaay more interested in kicking ass in four square. However, somewhere along the line I got drunk. Somewhere farther down the line I got stupid drunk.
Don't get me wrong, I behaved like a lady. My underwear stayed on, and I didn't call anyone a stupid bitch.**
I told Ted I wanted to go home and he was glad (and sober enough) to drive there was just one minor stop-we just had to bring a friend's girlfriend home.
When I drink too much I turn into the either the emotional or lovey
that girl. That car ride home was spent with me slumped in the front seat thinking that new girlfriend
must feel uncomfortable because she doesn't know us, so it was my duty to make her feel at home.
I went off on minute long
tangents about how love is
soooooo important to life and finding that someone is like the air we breathe... followed by awkward silences. Then I would ask how her and her boyfriend met followed by my own anecdotes about how meeting via kick ball means they will last a good long time and he's a nice boy even thought I thought I would never like him when we first met... followed by awkward silences.
I think I continued to tell her how pretty she was followed by more silences until we dropped her off. I then became wicked self aware of how much of
that girl I had just been. Ted assured me I wasn't that bad, and obviously I was just trying to make her feel comfortable and it was kind of endearing. But I was in fact
that girl.
Now to the point I'm trying to make.
I want to personally get into a bitch fight with all four of the obnoxious
that girls that were at our show Friday night. The audience was there to have a good time, and that good time was unfortunatly tainted by the four bitches in the front row.
They were
definitely not self aware. They weren't aware when the person next to them asked them to be quiet. Or the guy who told them to shut the f up. Or when I tried my best to be sweet with a smile, a wink and a "
shhh." Or when a player told them it wasn't their turn to talk.
Those could have been my best friends in the audience and I would still want to beat the crap out of them.
Know what ladies? "Fuck Off!" is not a funny suggestion. And
continuously yelling "No!" when you don't like something is not cool either. And honey, if you can't lift the bottle of beer to your mouth without dribbling, it's probably time to just stop.
They reminded me of the cool girls in high school. Everyone who had something to say to them about how loud and
obnoxious they were were just losers in their eyes. When the player asked them to stop talking one girl said to the other "What is her problem?"
You! YOU! You stupid stupid girl! Who are you impressing? No one! We love having drunk people in the audience. They say stupid nice things that make the show funny and they are there for a good time. YOU weren't being cute or funny! The problem wasn't that you were drunk, the problem was that you were vapid, self centered, and going about impressing everyone the wrong way!
Okay. Now I'm being
that other girl. The one that sounds like she could never sit at the cool kids table, so she hated them instead. That's not the point I'm trying to make. The point I'm trying to make is if you see your friend being
that girl. Tell her. Look out for each other.
And don't come to my comedy shows.
*We had so much beer and we were still afraid we were gonna run out, so around 1:00 I called my dad and asked if he could hook us up with beer from one of the bars (liquor stores were closed). In true form Dad saved the day.
**Unlike one of the girls who called me a stupid bitch to her friend when I told her to keep it down during the show.
